Berlin's Whimsy

Single Mom Reinvention.

This reinventing yourself thing is difficult. It's not like I walked through a door as a married woman and walked out the other side as a single mother. Technically, yes----emotionally no.

Take today, for instance. It's the day of a large fundraiser for my children's school and I'm slated to help out for most of the day. Not only do I feel out of place because I'm usually one of the people that is organizing school fundraisers, but I'm now a single mom with limited resources and many complications.  With a long story.

That story is difficult for me. It's not like I can just rattle off a line about my husband & I separating; or a story about my husband losing his job and sparking our quick financial downward spiral; or a story about being forced from our home and moving; or my multiple failed attempts at finding an adequate job----I can't because they are all true and to tell all of it requires a preface of, "Pull up a chair...!" I'm also not someone that likes to have people feeling sorry for me with that look of, "Oh, you poor thing." The entire story usually results in that look (or the bewildered look of fear as if my bad fortune will rub off). 

But even beyond all that is my pettiness in trying to be "perfect" and my avoidance of how messed up my life is. I don't think I've come to terms with the labels: single mom, broken home, divorced, failed marriage, ran off with a younger woman... etc, etc. It's not what I wanted and I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know what kind of dream world I've been living in to think that if I ignore it, it'll go away, though.

I'm realizing that part of my reinvention needs to be an embrace of who I am now. I'm a single mom. I'm single. I'm a separate being from my family. I don't know that I was good at looking at myself this way now or before. So, I'm trying to look at myself through new eyes and to accept the visage--- accept the truth.

If only.

If only life was so easily mended...

and holes in hearts, too.

Day by Day.

There are both positive and negative aspects of taking things bit by bit----day by day.

For example, I haven't worked on this quilt every day. I work on it when the mood strikes. It requires a certain colorful mindset to stitch within its theme. Even so, I've watched my stitching grow through the weeks of working on it bit by bit. New ideas form and they are stitched down, snatched from their fluid nature and colorfully trapped in fabric.

And the only way I have made it this past year was in taking life bit by bit---day by day. Now I find myself doing more forecasting and envisioning my future. It's a bit murky still. Still. Perhaps that is why my words have been hard to capture here recently----so many ideas swirling around. So much to worry over and so much to do. Frankly, I feel pretty worn out. But, I'm experienced enough to realize it's another phase to pass through and seek answers on the other side. Perhaps it's even a sign of growth that I can now look into the future... I hope so. 

Holding Back.

I still love my curtains----so bright and cheery and they practically glow in the afternoon light. I finally got around to hanging up my crystal prism that showers my room in rainbows at the end of the day...

Alas, I'm holding back here in my writing these days. Some stressful and ugly things are occurring behind the scenes but I cannot write about my thoughts nor observations right now because of a negative and hurtful comment left on my blog last week by the young woman that my husband left me for. Yes, apparently she is reading my blog and she doesn't like ironing---or so it seems ;-). As everything evolves through divorce proceedings, I cannot risk sharing personal nor substantive information here.

I apologize because I do tend to write the best about subjects I feel passionate about (good or bad) and I had hoped that by sharing my own experiences, those of you who have contacted me might find pieces of my writing helpful.

Instead, I'm keeping it light around here and focusing on my salvation: my crafts & my children. Even when things become very stressful, we all need to enjoy some sort of respite and positive focus.

Please do follow along with me as I find the whimsy between the dark clouds. If you have a question or personal comment, please email me directly (my email is listed on the sidebar under the copyright info & within my ABOUT info).

Added: I deleted the negative comment from that "Ironing" post so please don't think poor Kirsten is the one that left the comment I'm referring to in this post! ;-)

Creating comfort.

Thank you for going along with my musing in my last post. I know there isn't an easy answer (though I do agree that more workplaces with a focus on family friendly schedules and such would come much closer to a happy medium)...

Onward... Creating comfort. I love it and it's apparent in all the things I do: my sewing, knitting, cooking & baking. It's probably why I'm such a homebody, too! It's sort of like my mantra these days, both for myself and for my kids. I will continue carving out a comforting and creative life for them even in the face of all our changes.

It was satisfying to send my daughter off to school for a cross country ski expedition in her new hand-knitted socks yesterday! Hot off the needles and she loved them!

There was Araucania Ranco yarn leftover from the socks and I went straight to work starting one of these scrumptious afghan squares. I remembered seeing these on Knitting Iris sometime ago and then recently noticed they will be included in the upcoming book, Knitalong, by Larissa of Stitch Marker (yippee, it just shipped). I really like the simple design of these squares, probably because they look a bit like a quilt block. Siri had mentioned sewing up a backing for the blocks to make a blanket and that idea intrigues me. Also, I love this Psychedelic Afghan Pattern, too!

Meanwhile, I'm starting on a pair of socks for my son... More comfort.

Decisions.

A Preface... She slowly wades into the murky water, crocodiles at the ready, leeches waiting patiently, a hoot owl overhead hooting menacingly (yeah, a bit melodramatic, huh?). She knows these murky waters are dangerous, ripe with opinion and emotion... She has her own goggles of experience but they only fit her. Each swimmer in these waters of life wear their own goggles----some more protective than others....

**I had a conversation with my Mom the other day about women. About women and careers and would-be careers and stay-at-home moms and moms who've been abandoned by their husbands and women who put it all on hold to raise their children. You know, those murky waters of decision women swim through in their lifetimes.

I won't kid anyone into thinking I was the career-girl type, even as a young woman. No, I'm the one that spent a couple New Year's Eves in my early 20s doing cross stitch in front of the TV while my friends hit all the local boozer parties. I'm the one that was dumped by a boyfriend in high school because I was "too boring." That's me, boring. I wear it like a well-fitting glove.

Anyhow, I went to the university when I was younger. I was interested in so many topics and switched majors like it was some sort of fashion statement. They all seemed great, so interesting! But, I also never aspired to be a suit-wearing professional. I always wanted kids. I love all things domestic, and I still do. But, I could have went the professional route. It wasn't beyond my intellectual capacity, it just wasn't where my heart was.

I married young and my husband embarked on a career that led us to lots of relocations and scenic spots----it also included a commitment by both of us to put his career aspirations first. I happily followed him on his adventures, writing up his application packets and assisting him along his career path. It's really rather sickening and dreadful now.

When I had my son at the age of 28, I was working at a small software company in the small town we lived in. My husband & I agreed that one of us would stay home to raise our kids. It was obvious I would be the parent----something I never, ever regret.

I stayed home exclusively with both of my kids for a total of five years. After those five years, I worked in virtually a volunteer role at my kid's private and parent-run school for five years. After that stint, came more part-time positions but nothing that would 'advance my professional career.' We still lived in a very small town that lacked professional opportunities for advancement.

And then the sky fell. The details are all within this blog but basically we lost it all----my husband's career, our housing, our marriage, our life as we knew it...

Now, as I look for work to support not only myself but my kids, too, I wonder at the choices I made. No, I don't regret staying home with my kids, but I do wonder where I'd be right now if I had not chosen the path of homemaker and wife. I wonder if it is feasible for a parent to remove themselves from the workforce in this competitive day and age------whether it is a Dad or a Mom? Is it wise? I always error on the side of family and nurturing over making a buck----always------but I also don't wish this sort of stress on any other Moms out there. What could I have done differently?

I know this is a topic without any clear answer but it does beg contemplation in this current economical and social age. I also hear from other Moms trying to make their marriages work in the face of difficulties and they wonder how they could support themselves if their marriage fails.

What do you think? Should parents choose to stay at home with their children if it risks future career possibilities?

And I must add my own bit of observation here... Though I didn't continue advancing my career during those years of staying home with my kids, I still worked part-time here and there and also volunteered quite a bit (starting a parent/child resource center, working at a private school, artisan baker, in the public schools here and there). Even though I'm facing a difficult time finding a professional position to financially sustain my children & I, I'm still employable and I have experience.

I guess I hope that those of you reading this post make an effort to stay on top of things---beyond your children--- so that you can take care of yourself if the need arises (which I truly hope doesn't).

No, I don't believe many husbands will take off with a younger woman when they hit 40, but I also know things happen in life---unexpected things---- and we all must be prepared, at least in the most basic level...

The Talk.

My husband & I sat the kids down for the "talk" tonight. It was a discussion of their future with parents that are divorced but still entirely involved in their lives. Perhaps you grew up with the talk, perhaps you were lucky enough not to.

I felt such grattitude for our counselor who compassionately explained to us what children want to know during the talk and what shouldn't be a part of this next step in their lives (such as previous extra-marital partners who played a largely negative role in the current situation).

I felt our counselor's kind guidance and hand-holding as we tiptoed our way through the sadness and anxiety in the air, holding us tight around that circular kitchen table. I thought of his explanation that people always remember the talk, well into their adulthood. It's one of those things that imprint upon our memories and subconsciously play a part for the rest of our lives. Not always is the talk a negative thing, for sometimes it's a lifeline out of a really bad situation. I can't say I feel this way about our situation, but I do feel that we're now walking into a whole new world.

Strange, the talk was a bit like the ending of one of those movies that work their way backwards; like we had been moving to this point and the only chapter left was the talk. Well, that movie is over now.

Hanging in there.

Still processing. And applying. A new job prospect that provides enough income to take care of my kids & I AND includes health insurance coverage! Sigh, I'm crossing my fingers & my toes...