Berlin's Whimsy

Dinner for One...

The bright sun and clear day was a relief after experiencing a fairly bad day yesterday... Too many memories to reevaluate and process, I guess.

Once again, the simplicities in my life brought me around to a more uplifted spirit. Things like spinning wool in the sunshine while watching our little chickens come and go from their delightful chicken coop... Absentmindedly watching swallows dive and dip for bugs---feeling happiness at their return... The smell of the sun warmed wool and watching the colors twist into yarn...  Old shorts pulled out of my summer clothing box and worn comfortably in the warm temperature... New spring sprouts pushing up through the dark soil nearby... 

I ate my dinner on the picnic table in the setting sun. Even though I felt at peace watching the river below the house, I wondered about my kids----felt like more than just my kids were missing. 

I don't know how I am about being alone---I haven't decided. Some people relish in their solitude. I crave more alone time than most, but I also miss my friends and a feeling of connection.... I'm just musing because I know it'll come----the pieces slowly finding a place to settle in my new life.

Lead-free. Better Gas Mileage.

The simplest of choices seem to provide more life lessons----more opportunities to grow.

Gas prices are killing me. I realize we in the U.S. have enjoyed a life of luxury as far as gas prices are concerned (compared with other countries), but with my daily commute to my kid's school my minuscule budget is dwindling quickly.

I'm trying to find every little method to stretch my gas mileage.

What can I change? Here are a few proven tips:

• Travel at 55 mph (increases mileage by 25% over 75 mph)!
• Use cruise control
• Make sure tires are properly inflated
• Maintain a clean air filter (increases mileage 10%)
• Use synthetic oil (better lubrication) & keep up with needed maintenance
• Keep car windows closed. Though A/C decreases mpg, the aerodynamic reduction from open windows decreases your mpg more than using your A/C with the windows closed.
• Reduce the weight you're carrying (no this isn't a reason to go on a diet! But hey, that might be next!)
• Remove anything that reduces the aerodynamics of your car (roof racks, etc)
• Slowly accelerate from stops

My step-mom pointed out that in the last gas crisis the public slowed down to increase gas mileage---everyone was trying to do their part. I'm not a speedracer but I do tend to follow along with the crowd on the highway and that crowd travels at quite a high clip.

I wondered what would happen if I set my cruise control at 55 mph. Would I be forced off the road? I knew it offered an opportunity to watch human nature...

And here's where I noticed something about myself... I don't like to displease others---even if those others are anonymous drivers on the highway. That's where the lesson in all of this was for me. I tend to follow along too much. Even the thought of creating an obstacle for other drivers seemed like something I couldn't quite do-----what if all those other drivers honked their horns at me or flipped me off? You see, that pleasing nature of mine runs deep.

But I did it. I'm doing it. When I hit the highway, I set my cruise control at 55 mph and stick to it. It's almost like a little goal of mine. Sure, I get passed like I'm standing still and I definitely witness many sour looks but somehow I relish in my own little personal goal----a goal of sticking to what I want and attempting to reduce my fuel bill, at least a little...

Single Mom Reinvention.

This reinventing yourself thing is difficult. It's not like I walked through a door as a married woman and walked out the other side as a single mother. Technically, yes----emotionally no.

Take today, for instance. It's the day of a large fundraiser for my children's school and I'm slated to help out for most of the day. Not only do I feel out of place because I'm usually one of the people that is organizing school fundraisers, but I'm now a single mom with limited resources and many complications.  With a long story.

That story is difficult for me. It's not like I can just rattle off a line about my husband & I separating; or a story about my husband losing his job and sparking our quick financial downward spiral; or a story about being forced from our home and moving; or my multiple failed attempts at finding an adequate job----I can't because they are all true and to tell all of it requires a preface of, "Pull up a chair...!" I'm also not someone that likes to have people feeling sorry for me with that look of, "Oh, you poor thing." The entire story usually results in that look (or the bewildered look of fear as if my bad fortune will rub off). 

But even beyond all that is my pettiness in trying to be "perfect" and my avoidance of how messed up my life is. I don't think I've come to terms with the labels: single mom, broken home, divorced, failed marriage, ran off with a younger woman... etc, etc. It's not what I wanted and I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know what kind of dream world I've been living in to think that if I ignore it, it'll go away, though.

I'm realizing that part of my reinvention needs to be an embrace of who I am now. I'm a single mom. I'm single. I'm a separate being from my family. I don't know that I was good at looking at myself this way now or before. So, I'm trying to look at myself through new eyes and to accept the visage--- accept the truth.

If only.

If only life was so easily mended...

and holes in hearts, too.

Day by Day.

There are both positive and negative aspects of taking things bit by bit----day by day.

For example, I haven't worked on this quilt every day. I work on it when the mood strikes. It requires a certain colorful mindset to stitch within its theme. Even so, I've watched my stitching grow through the weeks of working on it bit by bit. New ideas form and they are stitched down, snatched from their fluid nature and colorfully trapped in fabric.

And the only way I have made it this past year was in taking life bit by bit---day by day. Now I find myself doing more forecasting and envisioning my future. It's a bit murky still. Still. Perhaps that is why my words have been hard to capture here recently----so many ideas swirling around. So much to worry over and so much to do. Frankly, I feel pretty worn out. But, I'm experienced enough to realize it's another phase to pass through and seek answers on the other side. Perhaps it's even a sign of growth that I can now look into the future... I hope so. 

Holding Back.

I still love my curtains----so bright and cheery and they practically glow in the afternoon light. I finally got around to hanging up my crystal prism that showers my room in rainbows at the end of the day...

Alas, I'm holding back here in my writing these days. Some stressful and ugly things are occurring behind the scenes but I cannot write about my thoughts nor observations right now because of a negative and hurtful comment left on my blog last week by the young woman that my husband left me for. Yes, apparently she is reading my blog and she doesn't like ironing---or so it seems ;-). As everything evolves through divorce proceedings, I cannot risk sharing personal nor substantive information here.

I apologize because I do tend to write the best about subjects I feel passionate about (good or bad) and I had hoped that by sharing my own experiences, those of you who have contacted me might find pieces of my writing helpful.

Instead, I'm keeping it light around here and focusing on my salvation: my crafts & my children. Even when things become very stressful, we all need to enjoy some sort of respite and positive focus.

Please do follow along with me as I find the whimsy between the dark clouds. If you have a question or personal comment, please email me directly (my email is listed on the sidebar under the copyright info & within my ABOUT info).

Added: I deleted the negative comment from that "Ironing" post so please don't think poor Kirsten is the one that left the comment I'm referring to in this post! ;-)

Decisions.

A Preface... She slowly wades into the murky water, crocodiles at the ready, leeches waiting patiently, a hoot owl overhead hooting menacingly (yeah, a bit melodramatic, huh?). She knows these murky waters are dangerous, ripe with opinion and emotion... She has her own goggles of experience but they only fit her. Each swimmer in these waters of life wear their own goggles----some more protective than others....

**I had a conversation with my Mom the other day about women. About women and careers and would-be careers and stay-at-home moms and moms who've been abandoned by their husbands and women who put it all on hold to raise their children. You know, those murky waters of decision women swim through in their lifetimes.

I won't kid anyone into thinking I was the career-girl type, even as a young woman. No, I'm the one that spent a couple New Year's Eves in my early 20s doing cross stitch in front of the TV while my friends hit all the local boozer parties. I'm the one that was dumped by a boyfriend in high school because I was "too boring." That's me, boring. I wear it like a well-fitting glove.

Anyhow, I went to the university when I was younger. I was interested in so many topics and switched majors like it was some sort of fashion statement. They all seemed great, so interesting! But, I also never aspired to be a suit-wearing professional. I always wanted kids. I love all things domestic, and I still do. But, I could have went the professional route. It wasn't beyond my intellectual capacity, it just wasn't where my heart was.

I married young and my husband embarked on a career that led us to lots of relocations and scenic spots----it also included a commitment by both of us to put his career aspirations first. I happily followed him on his adventures, writing up his application packets and assisting him along his career path. It's really rather sickening and dreadful now.

When I had my son at the age of 28, I was working at a small software company in the small town we lived in. My husband & I agreed that one of us would stay home to raise our kids. It was obvious I would be the parent----something I never, ever regret.

I stayed home exclusively with both of my kids for a total of five years. After those five years, I worked in virtually a volunteer role at my kid's private and parent-run school for five years. After that stint, came more part-time positions but nothing that would 'advance my professional career.' We still lived in a very small town that lacked professional opportunities for advancement.

And then the sky fell. The details are all within this blog but basically we lost it all----my husband's career, our housing, our marriage, our life as we knew it...

Now, as I look for work to support not only myself but my kids, too, I wonder at the choices I made. No, I don't regret staying home with my kids, but I do wonder where I'd be right now if I had not chosen the path of homemaker and wife. I wonder if it is feasible for a parent to remove themselves from the workforce in this competitive day and age------whether it is a Dad or a Mom? Is it wise? I always error on the side of family and nurturing over making a buck----always------but I also don't wish this sort of stress on any other Moms out there. What could I have done differently?

I know this is a topic without any clear answer but it does beg contemplation in this current economical and social age. I also hear from other Moms trying to make their marriages work in the face of difficulties and they wonder how they could support themselves if their marriage fails.

What do you think? Should parents choose to stay at home with their children if it risks future career possibilities?

And I must add my own bit of observation here... Though I didn't continue advancing my career during those years of staying home with my kids, I still worked part-time here and there and also volunteered quite a bit (starting a parent/child resource center, working at a private school, artisan baker, in the public schools here and there). Even though I'm facing a difficult time finding a professional position to financially sustain my children & I, I'm still employable and I have experience.

I guess I hope that those of you reading this post make an effort to stay on top of things---beyond your children--- so that you can take care of yourself if the need arises (which I truly hope doesn't).

No, I don't believe many husbands will take off with a younger woman when they hit 40, but I also know things happen in life---unexpected things---- and we all must be prepared, at least in the most basic level...

The Reflection.

Behind the scenes of my knitting, embroidery, cooking, and sewing there are still occasional days full of emotional upheaval, uncomfortable self-realization, fear of the unknown, loneliness, and sadness. These days come and go and are not as often as they once were. They are usually the result of an accumulation of stressful events and yesterday held enough of those factors to cause the emotional weariness I felt by evening.

The past six months have forced more self-discovery than at any other time. No, it hasn't all been pretty like the crafts I share here. I have made mistakes that I now face like an unwanted reflection in the mirror. You know the reflection I'm referring to: you were up too late the night before, perhaps indulging in too much red wine, and come to think of it you didn't eat very well yesterday either, and you'd much rather crawl back into bed than look into that brightly lit mirror so early in the morning. But sometimes you have no choice but to look at that reflection and to not look away until you accept the image for not only its ugliness but its beautiful humility, as well.

Age.

When I was younger, the people I was drawn to were often older than I was. I worked in an eclectic mix of jobs and always, my closest confidants were a decade or so older. At the time, I attributed it to my family dynamics and the confluence of people in my life---my Mom is only 18 years older than I am and her friends were always around. I often sat in on their discussions and found their topics much more interesting than those of my young counterparts.

One winter, while in college, I worked the phone banks at the American Cancer Society recruiting volunteers. My closest friend there was a woman in her 40s---I was 20 at the time. Between calls, I listened to my friend discuss her children and their interests and needs.

During our temporary employment, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt such sadness for her when I heard the news from our supervisor. As our fundraising campaign waged on, she was increasingly absent from work. When she was there, she joked about her life and her diagnosis----but there was a sad and hopeless undertone to her words. My last week at the phones ticked by without her presence and I wondered how she was... I never heard from her again but sometimes I still think about her. Sad, I don't remember her name.

I remember another fellow caller at this job. A man that was approximately 50 with an MBA. He resembled an absent-minded professor with thick black-rimmed glasses and unmanaged peppery gray hair. My friend told me he was an alcoholic that had lost everything after what she called a nervous breakdown. He had lost his corporate job, his wife, and his family. As time went on, he also was increasingly absent from work, sometimes without calling in. It was only after he was permanently gone----dismissed---- that I came to really miss his witty sense of humor and ability to make us all think during the long hours of our cold calling. I thought about his stories of his successful career and I wondered when his drinking slowly crept up to obscure his whole life.

At 20, I knew the terms and phrases of breast cancer and alcoholism but I didn't completely understand them. These terms had not found a home of relevance in my own life. I had not walked in the shoes of a mother diagnosed with cancer, nor had I felt the pressures to provide for my children when I mentally could not. Nor had I developed the apathy one often does to emotionally deal with the sadness life can sometimes offer up. In short, I hadn't lived 40 years.

Now, in my last year as a 30-something, I find that I am still attracted to individuals my own age but surprisingly also to the 20-somethings of my youth. Though it's difficult to comprehend my role as an elder in the workplace, I now understand the layers of emotion and personality that I probably was attracted to in my older friends when I was young. And, as I near the ages of my old friends, I reflect on their lives with the increasingly wizened eyes of someone who has lived 20 more years than I had back then.

Basketful of Horrors.

I went looking for a pair of circular needles today and this is what I contend with. Pretty sad, huh? It's not like I can't sew myself an organizer of sorts. It's just that I always have so many other fun things on my list.

Instead, I dig through this dreaded basket full of tangled wires only when I must. In all honesty, I think this basket of needles slipped under my bed is a little too indicative of my life right now.

I can compartmentalize like the best of them------a basket of horrors tucked out of sight---but every so often, I must confront that disorganized nightmare and it's never pretty.

Oh, those New Year's thoughts.

Before anything else, let me pause and say thanks to each of you who has left supportive and helpful comments and emails for me throughout this year. Your words are precious to me. Through my little corner of the web, I have "met" many wonderful people worldwide. During this transitional time in my life, it truly means everything to me----a bright spot in my day. And also another big thank you to those of you who have purchased my creative goods from Etsy. Much thanks.

***************

It's 2008, and I bid 2007 a hasty good-bye... and good riddance. My intent is not to be negative today, but 2007 is catalogued as a bad year for me. A very bad year.

But, as I always welcome a challenge, I conjured up the good aspects of 2007---I cannot turn my back on this past year of trials without dragging something good out of it. Don't we truly learn from adversity---you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that? So, in my attempt to find something good out of the bad, I came up with this: what I learned in 2007.

--I'm adept at college. I went to college when I was much younger but didn't give it the focus and fortitude it needed. In fact, I am now a straight A student. I could live a life in academia, I love it that much. Alas, my bank account doesn't agree...

--Inner strength. Where did it come from? I always secretly believed myself emotionally weak----given my history of depression and such----but faced with the most daunting challenge of my life, I perservered.

--Creativity. Without it, my mental stability would have crumbled. Art saves lives.

--Nature provides. In times of struggle, nature provides a small bit of peace. I believe that even in the most sad urban jungle, there is a sprout of hopeful green growing from a crack in the concrete, or a single bird singing from a branch: for even a weed or a pigeon are beautiful. Nature reminds us that we're all part of this big, wide world and that we never struggle alone.

Now, I look onward to 2008. I cannot put into words how much I hope 2008 is an improvement over 2007 for my family & I.

Charlie Brown Tree.

As it turns out, Charlie Brown had the right idea. His scraggly little Christmas tree was just right, as far as my daughter is concerned.

She received a little Christmas tree for a going away present from her classmates (my kids are transferring out of their little school in the woods----sniff----into a school that's closer... more about that later on).

She rode all the way home from school holding her little tree so proudly, its origami ornaments swaying with the road. Once home, she placed the tree on a chair and displayed it in her cozy little room. She rearranged the ornaments a bit, smiling the whole time. The star on top was made by a classmate and displays a poem written to her.

Her Christmas Tree is a branch cut from a larger tree and it looks rather sparse, but no matter, because it holds the intent and charm my kids both felt at that little school. Seeing  their pride and joy with their own little tree in their room makes me conclude that I'll continue this tradition for them---decorating their future trees with origami ornaments full of poems and wishes.

A little Charlie Brown Tree is just as beautiful as its finely decorated counterparts when it's made with the positive energy that goes into anything folded, glued, and cut out by small hands full of children's pure sincerity.

Pandora's Fibers.

Wow. Christmas is less than a week away! I only just finished the presents traveling far and wide but I still have some of my most heartfelt gifts yet to finish (pajamas for my kids & a little something for my Mom). I'm beginning to comprehend only the smallest snippet of life in a sweat shop. Okay, not really.

How ironic that while I spent a whole day sewing frantically----pins strewn throughout the carpet, threads snipped and tossed behind me in a 'no-time-to-worry-about-that' fashion-----NPR aired a segment for consumers about avoiding purchasing items derived from sweat shop labor (or other exploitations of humans). I came from the segment feeling that it's next to impossible to avoid; that it's human nature to seek out the most inexpensive products as a consumer, and that those in power most certainly will focus on the bottom line first. It's disheartening.

Though I made almost all of my presents this year, this segment on NPR left me feeling guilty for the items I did purchase. And yet, I created my presents from linen and cotton that was surely factory processed. In fact, I don't even know where my fabric was manufactured. Until we are all cultivating our own organic cotton, raising our own sheep humanely, and processing organic flax, even we homemade folks are not entirely avoiding this multifaceted issue. It's like pandora's whole new box of fiber...

That said---here is another present on its way to warmer regions: it's the Charming Bag from Bend-the-Rules Sewing made from raw linen, a little embroidery, some cotton, and lots of love...

Giving.

It's odd to enter the holidays----those expectations of joy and cheer----while going through difficult life changes and deep in the throws of grieving for my dear friend.

Grieving during the holidays: that in itself seems a contradiction.

I was doing fairly well, holding it all together while heading into the holidays in my ambiguous state, but losing one of my loudest cheerleaders set me back a bit. Hardly an hour passes without my thinking about her---absentmindedly thinking the kids & I will stop by her house for a visit; that I should make her some treats for the holidays; seeing her frozen pie leftover from Thanksgiving in our freezer.

Finality is so incomprehensible for me. I also know that she's somewhere telling me to keep-on keepin'-on---giving me that emotional kick in the butt she always did.

Anytime I go through an emotional event like this, it forces introspection----a reevaluation of my life. A sudden death also makes me realize how fragile life is. I'm not sad for my neighbor, for she lived a long and fruitful life. But it makes me think about my own life. My neighbor was always giving---giving not only fiscally but also of herself. It probably comes with the territory of being a nurse, but she also walked that fine line of giving yet also taking care of herself so well.

I think about the time a couple years ago that I suffered from adult chicken pox and was extremely sick. Afterward, I was so weak, and frankly I felt a bit shaken by experiencing such severe illness. In the face of trying to recover, but also caring for my kids, she knew what I needed. She came over frequently to check on me and brought me a care package: lots of healthy stuff, plus an offer for a visit to her house for my kids (they always loved her house).

Her son told me that she lived a good life because she was always doing things for others---that she said it made her life whole. Something to ponder....

Good-bye, neighbor.

A poem today for a dear friend who suddenly passed away yesterday. She was like another Grandma to my children and a dear friend to me---always my neighbor, having lived across the street from us on the coast for years and then ironically moving to where I live now before me.

This poem was taped to my refrigerator at my old house to remind me of another dear friend who passed away at this very time of year three years ago---the poem was always comforting for me. The poem was fitting for her----a lover of nature, always on the move------and it's fitting now for my neighbor. My children will always remember her Halloween cards full of treats, her finely decorated house that was always welcome to both children and pets, and her wonderful laughter full of sarcasm and witt. Good-bye, neighbor.

I Did Not Die

Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

Thoughts on consumerism

That darn Kai Ryssdal----something about his type-A personality voice has always intrigued me. I mean who would have thought I would EVER be interested in a radio program about money and business-----well, no one that really knew me...

But, here I am, a fan of the show, Marketplace. Somehow this guy (and his crew, I'm sure) make it interesting.

Especially now, with NPR's coverage of consumerism. I listened to the previews a few months ago and I was intrigued: can we, as Americans, continue our consumerism ways while sustaining our environment? All political bents aside, can we literally do it? I wanted to know.

All this week, and part of next week, too, NPR is covering this very topic. Marketplace is taking a special look at the subject through their lens of business and marketing, but so are some of the other programs I listen to, like Speaking of Faith.

It's worth a listen. I'm the first to admit my own consumerism ways. Though I recycle and try to purchase items with as little throw-away packaging as possible, I know others that re-wash their ziploc bags (well, heck, they don't ever buy ziplocs in the first place) and never, ever buy coffee in a disposable cup. Even so, the topic is worth thinking about, especially as we approach the holidays.

I'd love to sign up for the Buy Handmade Pledge but I know a couple little munchkins around here that have things like this on their wishlists: a GPS (to go geocaching); geocoins & travel bugs to send on a journey across the world while tracking their progress; and a guinea pig (?). Though I'm pretty handy, I don't think I can make any of those things... However, I will sew them a few treasures and I won't be purchasing anything plastic-y, disposable, or unneccessary.

Stepping out.

Those baby steps brought me to the movies last night--- by myself. Not that I haven't went to the movies alone. But, in the past, my solo sojourns were more of an escape from the noise of motherhood while my husband stayed home with our young kids. This time----knowing it is the beginning of many solo journeys to the movies and beyond---it felt different. Not wholly bad, but another transition in a world of transitions right now.

The movie was great. 'Into the Wild' by Jon Krakauer was one of my favorite reads (I enjoy anything by him) and this movie captured the spirit of the book so well. It's enough to make me want to buy a tie-dye colored RV and head out on the road for adventure...

But instead, the kids & I will head out on local mountain trails---our own little slice of the wild.

Welcome time.

I warmly welcomed this year's Daylight Savings time change. Through the years, it brought dread in me. Dread for the dwindling light and oncoming winter---the turning back the clock an unavoidable passage into another season. I think I've mentioned here (probably far too many times) my aversion to change.

But this year, Daylight Savings came and went and I felt content; pleased, even. Perhaps in light of so many changes in my life, this transition felt uneventful. Yet I'm not ignoring it, either. No, I'm observing the transition and appreciating it. This morning, while driving my kids to school, I enjoyed the new freedom the light allowed. Yesterday, I noticed with pleasure, the sun slowly fading at an earlier time. Yes, as winter incrementally approaches, I calmly watch and welcome the change.

An anniversary of sorts.

I find it hard to believe that six months have passed since our whole world shifted on its faulty axis. Six months of turmoil. Wow. I still catch a glimpses of pictures from before last spring; in our old house, before I knew what I know now. I find it difficult to glimpse those pictures----a reflexive flinch when I do. No, I don't desire to live in the shadow of a lie but still, there is a bit of bliss in ignorance.

Categorizing filled these last few days. What means more. What to let pass away. What to give up to get that. I still have a couple years of college to complete my degree. Yet, I probably possess enough skills to land an "adequate" job. (Adequate often translates to brain atrophe for me). My gutt, and what I believe is my lifeforce, tells me to finish my degree-----to possibly teach or work in child advocacy----writing behind it all. But, money is scarce and my children need me present, positive, and there for them. It's all a juggling act and I don't know how to juggle.   

So I continue to sort. To categorize. To wonder.

Appreciation. And NaBloPoMo

I worry about the level of whining I share on these pages. I know everyone has problems in varying levels of severity. And I recognize that I carry a enough negative baggage right now to outfit the average world traveler, but my intention is not to pass on my "goodness." No one needs more baggage of this kind.

Most emphatically, I try to focus on the good.

And where would I be right now without Mother Nature's splendor all around me. No matter what dilemma or challenge faces me on any given day, I can step outside, into the sun, and look at the mountains.

I can look at the fall's slanted golden light through the clear skies and marvel at this generous gift that costs nothing but the will to appreciate it. And then I take a deep breath and I say thank you for my children, our health, and the comfort of a home to return to each day.

That's all I can do right now.

****Oh, and blog everyday, apparently. I joined the National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo: see sidebar) for November. Have you joined? If so, leave a comment on this post with your NaBloPoMo name and I'll add you to my friends-----because everyone needs friends!

A surprise party.

Today, I threw a party. For myself. A Pity Party.

Not like the other parties I've thrown----and I've thrown a lot. Let's see, there was the surprise congratulations party for my Mom's graduation from nursing school, my husband's 40th birthday party only a little over a year ago. And kid's parties... well, don't get me started. Finding sticky lollipop sticks stuck to the toilet seat and lego boxes with an old piece of cake at the bottom didn't phase me. All in a day's work for the hostess.

But, today's party was impromptu---a sort of reaction to the day's events. It all started with the discovery of my overdrawn bank account. The party's "mood" was elevated from a lengthy discussion with my bank's customer service representative---she really knew how to party. Before I recognized the signs of a surprise pity party in the making, the festivities were fully underway.

There was entertainment: my recounting all the mistakes I've made in my life and replaying pivotal moments. There were refreshments: buttery popcorn with way too much salt and a sugar shot to the veins from a regular Coca Cola (haven't had one of those for a long time). The pity party mood slowed a bit then----with the sugar & caffeine effect---- but soon enough, as the sugar waned, the party atmosphere regained its momentum. There were even games like "Let's Find a Job on Craigslist---with the bonus challenge of lack of experience, working around children's schedules, and going to college all at the same time." I wasn't able to master that game. Maybe it would have helped if I had a partner.

I think I like kid's parties better. At least there's candy left over.

Humanity...

Is this why we go to college? To read literature and contemplate life? I went to college long ago and contemplating life is one of my favorite pastimes. But this time around it means so much more to me---maybe those wrinkles and gray hairs mean something now.

As I read through my assigned tales of tormented and unfulfilled lives, as well as nearly indecipherable ramblings on society in the south and miscegenation... well, it sure puts these troubles of mine in perspective.

I wondered today if the true gift in knowledge is this: the realization that we're only human. That we have always struggled with those basic needs of life: love, fulfillment, acceptance... We're really not that superior, we human beings-----perhaps someday, the monkeys will be studying us while we perform our usual tricks for them and they guffaw on the sidelines with clipboards and pens in hand.

What am I reading? So far, The Country of the Pointed Firs; Winesburg, Ohio; Go Down, Moses... there are others to come.

A carousel ride.

On our way home from our trip to the coast, we stopped off at our favorite carousel. It's a treat. The brightly colored steeds are hand painted by artists and one never knows which horses will be ready for a ride. My kids discussed it on our way there----which horses had recently enjoyed a respite and might be back in commission for a ride.

And as I watched the kids go round and round with their big smiles, I thought about my own life; how I felt like I could be one of those horses.

Before I left on my trip, an old neighbor of mine had asked me if I wanted to move back to the beach. There was a side of me that wanted to say yes. Yes to returning to my old life----the comforts and stability of my old life. But I realize I can never return, no matter what I decide.

And after consideration, I answered no. No, because deep down, beyond the worry and the feelings of being lost, I feel that I'm on the cusp of something great. That I now have the world at my fingertips whereas before I did not. Before, I felt isolated, limited, and confined by my location.

I love that my children nearly grew up in such a small community, but I also feel that they are old enough now to appreciate what a larger community has to offer; things like sports, culture, and diversity. I look around now and there are moms like me.

We cling to what we know, but there are a ton of quotes and sage advice that are summed up with this: you grow from adversity. And I believe it. I doubt I would even be where I am today if I were still in my old town, in my sheltered life of comfort.

I am affirmed life is waiting for me here---like fragile wings unfolding. And I am glad to be home.

Just a thought for the day.

You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhap you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime.   

-Dale Carnegie

How true.

The first day of the rest...

I start school again today. I'm taking two online courses in the direction of obtaining a degree in teaching. Though I have many more questions than answers about what this will mean for me in the end, I am forcing myself to stay focused on the present and climbing over each obstacle as it appears. There is much too much of my life right now in an ambiguous state and that usually isn't something I feel comfortable with but I'm going with it.

I know from my experience last year, the first day can be overwhelming. The online format requires a lot of technical maneuvering, reading, and perusing syllabuses full of lofty requirements----it's all a bit daunting in the beginning.

So what does this mean? It means this week I might be light on words and heavy on images as I settle into all of my reading assignments, online discussions, and prep work for future projects.  Wish me luck!

one more mystery

It's a mystery to me why and how two people can meet and it's as if they belonged together from the beginning---in the stars, they say. The mystery for me is not in the belief that some people are just meant to be together, for I believe that, but that they found each other in life's complicated multitude of people.

I only know of a few couples that fit into the category I'm speaking of---a category of couples that emit an innate kindness towards each other without the contrived "sweety-pies" and forced emotions; couples that for the most part understand one another on a deeper level, and respect their differences, too.  This specific category cannot be created so much found----everything falling into place like destiny.

This topic came to mind when I was printing off a very wonderful-looking recipe from Ina Gartner's Barefoot Contessa show and the way she speaks of her husband came to mind. I would count their relationship (of little I know, really, but more in the feeling I get) in that category.

When I think about the people that have found themselves in these relationships I feel both a level of gratitude that the world has this sincere form of kindness and love, yet admittedly, I feel a bit of jealousy. For I also believe that there are many, many people in the world that were never meant to find this kind of relationship.

My mom believes that we all grow from our relationships----that the struggles they produce teach us about ourselves and that they are there for a purpose. And upon reflecting I do acknowledge that I have learned much from my struggles with my husband. I have learned to stand up for myself (debate team anyone?!); to purposefully carve out space for my own needs; to feel compassion and go to levels of understanding that I previously had not. But still, it's a struggle.

At the end of our lives, whether we reflect upon it with the knowledge that we were blessed with the kind of relationships that were tranquil and love-filled, or a struggle, hopefully we will feel gratitude for what they brought: love, however convoluted the love might have been from your partner, the union probably brought love in the form of children or extended family members.

And I guess that's what this tangled web of relationships is about-------our universal need to find and give love, however easy or difficult that might be.

Pollyanna grows up

I think there is a certain 'Pollyanna' side to my personality. I'm only now recognizing it. My ability to find the positive in things, and in people, but with a shade of ignoring glaringly obvious problems. Perhaps that is how my husband could have carried on a whole other hurtful life without my knowing it----my Pollyanna self, just cooking, crafting, and mothering away the obvious.

I keep going back & forth about this part of my personality----wondering if it is a flaw or an attribute? My tendency to flitter from one pretty thing to another. My constant dreamy state I tend to live in.

I now wonder if it's time to confront this Pollyanna in me. To make her grow up a bit, while coming down to earth and really living within the trenches, for I see them in my future. Though I often dream of living in the 1800s, with the simplicity of cooking everything from scratch and making my own clothes----- the simplicity of the hard work of just staying alive... Well, that's not my life right now. Perhaps it's time to test Pollyanna's strength within the 21st century. As scary as the 1800s but in a different way.

Awake

After leaving the kids at the beach to play in the cool waves with their dad, I made my way back to our house today. It's a walk I've made thousands of times.

Perhaps it's the knowledge of our impending move, or the mental acuity that adversity seems to all of a sudden bring, but I noticed a lone bird singing on a wire above my head. I think my mom said this kind of bird is aptly named a Songbird, and it sang out into the afternoon air.

I smiled while watching the bird sing so unabashedly. And then I heard it. An echo of the same unique song further away. Then my newfound friend on the wire sang back.

I stopped to watch it and listen to its singing partner a little ways away. And then I heard another variety of bird singing its own beautiful song in between the Songbird's back and forth. The pattern of songs continued in a rhythm.

I was suddenly fascinated. I listened for a bit longer, and then I continued on my way home. I listened to their songs as I walked, and heard new ones, as well. For a bit, all other sounds (the sounds of construction, vehicles passing by, children) faded and allowed for this chorus of nature.

When I neared a vacation home, a conversation came into earshot and I noticed a woman on her cell phone sitting in the driveway. She was in an animated conversation with the little device.

And it occurred to me, how many times have I walked this path without even noticing these birds? How many other birds, and frankly life itself, have been presenting their gifts for all the world to hear, as well as see, and I have not properly noticed. And I wondered if, perhaps, my awareness is a little better now.

That maybe I'm a little more present in my world. 

Resiliency

Many people say, "Oh, kids will be okay, they are SO resilient." I've heard this in response to divorce, moving, natural disasters, and other life changes.

Though at the various times this phrase was told to me I felt a bit skeptical inside, as if they were dismissing children's feelings. But now, I guess now I'm trying to cling to that idea like it's the last limb on the side of a cliff.

And, so far, my children are making their way through this difficult time in our lives.

My daughter recently wrote a story about 'Bon Bon,' a wily monkey that I expect is probably based on the one they try to find each time we visit the local Trader Joe's and receive a prize for the discovery. In my daughter's story, Bon Bon is very naughty and brazen and gets himself into all sorts of predicaments; each of which turns out to be quite funny.

She set up 'A Reading' of her story a few nights ago. She told my husband and I to make sure to attend (like we wouldn't?).

She set up chairs decorated with her silks, and set aside the piano bench for The Reading. She also posted a sign on the wall (she seems to be overly zealous with the thumbtacks).

Amidst the recent and desperate discussions between my husband & I of, "What are we going to do?" we found time to take a deep breath and sit for The Reading.

And I'm so glad we did. For I feel that children deal with life struggles quite differently than we adults do---they write stories, they play games, they draw pictures, and sometimes, they act out negatively to get attention.

I've paid especial attention to my children's words and actions recently, and my heart breaks for their own journeys through this difficult time, yet I still cling to that resiliency phrase. And I also think about a discussion the kids & I had recently---a discussion in which they both said, "As long as we all have each other, we'll be okay."

And, for me, that is the leaf on the branch on the side of that cliff that I'm still clinging to.

when I grow up...

It seems I've been asking myself the question, "what do I want to be when I grow up?" my entire life. Some people find their way into their meaningful work (or their true dharma) quite easily.

I've spent much of my adult life wandering from job to job, and then to motherhood; of which I embraced full force.

For the past 11 years or so I've primarily been a mom. Oh sure, I worked as an administrator at my children's private school, but I did it only to pay for my children's tuition and if I sat down and figured out how much I made per hour for all the time I spent there... well, I don't even want to go there. I've had my fair share of part-time jobs as the kids have grown older but none of them were "career-worthy."

Recently, I read some information on Yahoo about changing careers and finding your path. It recommended reviewing your childhood interests and dreams to find your right career as an adult.  I thought about that; what did I want to grow up to be back then? What were my primary interests? Well, I do remember wanting to be a photographer----a National Geographic photographer, to be exact. I also wanted to be an artist. I spent much of my high school life hiding out in the art department and relishing my role as teacher's pet.

I also wanted to be a writer. I was an English and journalism major in college. I started a book when I was in high school about a lost and shy girl named Rachael. Rachael was pretty but no one noticed her and she had big aspirations of traveling the world; sitting in French cafes and writing rousing works of literature. I don't know whatever happened to that manuscript but I'm sure if I read it now I would be torn between laughing hysterically and crying for the innocence within the pages.

Well, my place in the world will most likely be shifting as we make our way into our next phase. I won't have the luxury of picking and choosing part-time jobs that fit around my children's schedules any longer.

And I'm still trying