Berlin's Whimsy

A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I stand on the edge of change. Though I don't know it for fact, I feel it in my heart and I'm moving that direction... I ponder employment possibilities and an upcoming move into our own house. Stepping out into the world anew, it's what I dream about this midsummer.  

At this moment, midsummer, I'm full of these contemplations and dreams. Dreams of varying possibilities tied to circumstances. Sometimes it all seems so convoluted, like the Shakespearean play that shares this post's title. Very much unlike the play, however, my complications are devoid of romantic interests, by the way. 

In Shakespeare's A Midsummer Nights Dream, a magical flower plays a pivotal role in developing a character's love. At this point in my life, the flowers I receive come from my kids and I'm fairly certain that any magical qualities stem from the sweetness of intent for which they are given.

I receive my flowers and I place them in jars and marvel at my children's love. I also sit amongst the colors in the beds from whence the flowers come and I dream lazily in this midsummer heat-----dreams of possibilities and wondering what lies ahead for me.

**We're heading for our familiar coast for this week but I'll share some midsummer photos & thoughts all week long...

Thoughtful Friday---Self-Reliance

"Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you."

~ Frank Tyger

This realization becomes increasingly clear to me as I transition through divorce. Because I was with my husband from the age of 17, this is a whole new concept for me----life without him and life on my own.

I've been giving myself time to think, dream, and process lately. I haven't tackled any great crafting projects. These little crocheted bowls sure fit my desire for a small project that I can work on here and there while dreaming and trying to stay cool in this summer heat.

I am in love with the thread I used for this bowl----it's DMC Senso in the linen/cotton blend. It's lovely to work with.

I used a crochet shell stitch edging and love the look. For the ribbon, I used more of the selvage from my linen stash and threaded it through the triple crochet round. I'd like to post a pattern for this little bowl but I just "winged it." Next time, I'll write things down.

I'm sure this little bowl will find many uses on my bureau. I have so many little trinkets that were given to me from my children and they each bring a special memory or a hopeful thought.  

Goldilocks.

In the ongoing employment department of my life, I continue to find I'm either under qualified or over qualified. I feel like Goldilocks who just can't seem to find the right fit. 

And the response of over qualified? HUH? While I understand the concept of "job fit" and I truly appreciated the most recent offering of "you're over qualified and you'd be extremely bored in this position" I still find it frustrating and a tad bit insulting. 

Seriously, when did this sea of employment become a churning storm of illusions and just-so interview maneuvering? How could I walk away from an interview feeling especially great about it only to receive a phone call two hours later telling me I'm over qualified? Should I have thrown in a few "Duuuh, I don't know's" for answers during the interview to land the job?

Yes, it's frustrating. But I'm not feeling hopeless like I was a couple months ago. I still have more possibilities... 

Behind the Screen.

I meant to write a post about how far behind I feel crafty-wise. I have crafty swaps to catch up on, Etsy reshipping to take care of (due to my own error in shipping weights), 40th birthdays to catch up on with many of my friends (are we ALL turning 40 this year?), family obligations, legal stuff...

And a newfound focus on my own well-being and health...

This post is about all of those things and more. It's a little glimpse behind the curtains of this blog, if you will.

This blog has always been my place to focus on the positives in my life and I'm reticent to discuss many of the negative aspects of it right now. But honestly, I haven't been coping as well as I wish I was. This doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me in real life as I probably seem sad, distant, and not myself. Yes, I get out of bed everyday, I care for my kids, we have fun with our projects and enjoy the summer, I make food, we have dinners together and we talk... I do all of those things. But when things slow down, I wade around hip deep in a sludge of self-pity, frustration, fear, and sadness.

But a few difficult hurdles have been crossed... While with our kids, I ran into my estranged husband walking hand-in-hand down the street with his young girlfriend. I didn't know if I should laugh because he looked like her father or cry at the absurdity of it all.

At the end of September my divorce is final and I turn 40. Ah, the irony. If it's the universe's idea of a joke, I'm not laughing----at least not yet.

One of my friends points out the "gift" in all of this. The gift of liberation from someone who obviously didn't respect nor care for me and the opportunity to blossom into my full potential. After hearing my story of this past year, she laughs and tells me: "this is your book"----my future book. Ah, but right now the words are still lost somewhere in that sludgy water---I'll wait for it to clear up a bit to search for them.

A counselor once told me that I cannot control all aspects of my life----bad things happen, they just do. When we discussed my children, she pointed out that perhaps part of my children's life's work is to overcome their parent's divorce----that it was inevitable. Being one who attempts to orchestrate things the way they should be----fair-----her words were a lesson. I can only open the door for my children's lives----I cannot walk along their paths with them, brushing aside the obstacles the whole way.... I'll be on the side, applauding their growth...

I feel I have a bit more clarity now. I'm playing catch up and focusing my positive thoughts, beliefs, and dreams in my family's future in each part of my day---each loop I knit, each circle I hook, each vegetable I chop, each step I take, each yoga position I practice, each breath I take. It's the positive intention that counts-----the positive intention of moving forward and recognizing the pain and sadness and then letting it go...

**Resources---

For anyone interested, this episode of Oprah (Children of Divorce Reveal Their Secret Thoughts) is very informative about children and divorce. The guest's book, Helping Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastle's Way is one of my favorites on this tough topic.

Cars Tell Stories.

Relics from the past. VWs played a leading role in my younger life. We had three different VW Bugs and three VW Buses throughout the years. Their faded metal skeletons still occupy space in my memories and my childhood home.

My Dad had a favorite shop bug that he loaned out to his customers----until my brother rolled it off the road one night while trying to avoid a jack rabbit. I remember his frantic knocking on my door in the middle of the night to tell me the news since our parents were out of town.  Ah, adolescence!

My husband's old t-shirt still hangs across the seat on his old VW Bug. Behind this seat are two big speakers----the only thing they produce now are memories. This bug sits barren and unused amongst the sagebrush. Some of these photos were taken because someone might want to fix up that old bug and transform it into a hot rod...

I wonder what Pearl thinks of this idea? That was her name---Pearl----given to her by the converted hippie couple who sold her to us-----they had outgrown her as they began to raise a family in the suburbs with new priorities.

I grew up around cars and cars tell stories. I know because these cars hold a lot of my own.

Summer Transitions. Summer Memories.

 

I remember it from previous years, the exciting transition into summer for the kids & I. Oh yes, I have my  summer plans  but it still takes a bit for the minutes to creep by with their newfound summer pace. When school first releases, it's a celebration---new activies take the place of now old routines. Some of the tasks feel odd, like putting away those lunchboxes and tacking up home phone numbers of friends that were familiar only at school. Initially, we do everything at once, like signing up for the library's summer reading program on the second day of summer vacation and finishing very early, as well. But all too soon, the newness of summer vacation becomes routine, too.

We're still breaking new ground in those routines here. It hasn't quite been a year since our move to this area. The summer heat creeps up on us with more than a bit of trepidation for my children who are acclimated to the coast's cool weather----- soon, our meandering river nearby will be just the right temperature for an afternoon dip to cool us down. 

Some routines have yet to be duplicated----I haven't made my usual batch of strawberry freezer jam from our local crop of Oregon Strawberries.  And yet another vastly vacant spot in our lives is our time with our close friends over on the coast----the summer was always a highlight for those of us residing year-round there; it provided a needed respite from our 9 months of rain. But truly, I don't know how we'll survive without our impromptu Sunday family barbecues with our "extended family" friends, discussing the summer tourist season, our kids' combined antics, our respective jobs, and generally pondering our worlds... Oh boy, life can change so much in just 12 short months...

And through it all, I come away realizing how much we should focus on what we have, those things we so often take for granted: afternoons with good friends, our parents & family members only a phone call away, healthy children at foot, food in the pantry...  There isn't a need to go knocking on wood during the good times in your life-----recognize and savor them for all their worth because the memories of those good times will fill up your soul's well of happiness and truly sustain you through the times without them... 

The ring's mark.

I suspect this week marks my entry into the official legal system of divorce.

I was moved a couple days ago by one of my Flickr friends who shared a photo of her wedding band's indentation on her finger. Her finger was starkly absent of that ring now but it still left a mark...

It was almost a year ago that I removed my wedding ring and told my husband that my ring would only be replaced when I felt I was in a real marriage again---- one that included love, truth, and respect.

And it was only a week ago that I found my wedding ring in my overnight bag where I had thrown it in haste that weekend a year ago after learning far too many hurtful things to continue wearing it.

Somehow, I had forgotten about that ring for a year. When it spilled out onto the counter, I picked it up and thought about what it represented and the memories it held for me-----memories of our small jewelry designer who was just beginning her now successful business and the time we spent with her discussing life in general and even politics! (Who was it  then? The elder George Bush? If I remember right, we were discussing Clarence Thomas' confirmation hearings to the Supreme Court). Ah, all our lives seemed so full of promise then.

Well, it's been enough time that my wedding band's physical indentation has faded away but not so much the hurt, anger, and regret associated with the ring's intended relationship.

Wasn't there a movie called 'Defending Your Life'? Well, that's what I feel I am about to embark upon with my entry into the legal system. Reliving choices I made. Choices my husband & I made together. History and details so full of emotion and texture, yet somehow condensed into the justice system's narrow funnel of jurisprudence. How much is a stay-at-home Mom worth? Is she a productive member of society or is she really just a leech upon her husband in a social system bent on commercial gains? These are all words that have been thrown to the winds of anger and then caught up and pulled on like a sweater by those that want them to be true.

Is it all fair how my life has played out this past year? No, not likely, but it happens. Life happens. I tell my kids over and over life isn't always fair---it just isn't.

However, my life's next Chapter begins in a couple months.. along with a new name---- the one I was born with----- and hopefully one that brings me new possibilities... I'm ready for that. 

Windstorms.

 

We had a fun weekend all swirled up in a big windstorm of life. Our own smaller transitional dust devil of a life doesn't quite follow the usual routines that my friends' lives do, but it's quite fun to be a part of those predictable routines again.

I'm still thinking about the experiences of this past weekend: familiar friends, community, the back-water feeling of that little town, the salty smelling air, and the sound of the ocean always present like a community heartbeat...

I'm also thinking about those growing & changing kids, life ever-evolving, all so notable when it's not so noticeable every single day. Strange how that works...

 

It was still very difficult not to steer my car towards "home" and walk into my familiar house with a big long sigh like the past year hasn't really happened... throwing all our stuff on the kitchen counter and plopping down on our couch to settle in for a relaxing evening that never will happen that same exact way again. I also had to hold myself back from strolling into the yard and checking on my herbs... Are they still there? I don't know.

There were a few tears shed by all of us this weekend but they weren't the desperate tears of the unknown like they were all those months ago... I guess we're slowly progressing but I'm still not sure what we're progressing towards. Growth? Security? Familiarity again? All of those things would provide the ultimate sigh of sighs within me, but lately what I dream of the most is seeing those peaceful and happy faces on my kids again---the ones that were there before all of this. There have been a lot of questions from my kids this past week---questions that answered my own questions about that wrinkle that crops up on my son's brow from time to time, and my daughter's serious eyes when she doesn't see me looking. My kids' own worries and questions---I'm glad they ask them, though they are difficult to answer. Yes, we're progressing... ever so slowly.

Dinner for One...

The bright sun and clear day was a relief after experiencing a fairly bad day yesterday... Too many memories to reevaluate and process, I guess.

Once again, the simplicities in my life brought me around to a more uplifted spirit. Things like spinning wool in the sunshine while watching our little chickens come and go from their delightful chicken coop... Absentmindedly watching swallows dive and dip for bugs---feeling happiness at their return... The smell of the sun warmed wool and watching the colors twist into yarn...  Old shorts pulled out of my summer clothing box and worn comfortably in the warm temperature... New spring sprouts pushing up through the dark soil nearby... 

I ate my dinner on the picnic table in the setting sun. Even though I felt at peace watching the river below the house, I wondered about my kids----felt like more than just my kids were missing. 

I don't know how I am about being alone---I haven't decided. Some people relish in their solitude. I crave more alone time than most, but I also miss my friends and a feeling of connection.... I'm just musing because I know it'll come----the pieces slowly finding a place to settle in my new life.

Single Mom Reinvention.

This reinventing yourself thing is difficult. It's not like I walked through a door as a married woman and walked out the other side as a single mother. Technically, yes----emotionally no.

Take today, for instance. It's the day of a large fundraiser for my children's school and I'm slated to help out for most of the day. Not only do I feel out of place because I'm usually one of the people that is organizing school fundraisers, but I'm now a single mom with limited resources and many complications.  With a long story.

That story is difficult for me. It's not like I can just rattle off a line about my husband & I separating; or a story about my husband losing his job and sparking our quick financial downward spiral; or a story about being forced from our home and moving; or my multiple failed attempts at finding an adequate job----I can't because they are all true and to tell all of it requires a preface of, "Pull up a chair...!" I'm also not someone that likes to have people feeling sorry for me with that look of, "Oh, you poor thing." The entire story usually results in that look (or the bewildered look of fear as if my bad fortune will rub off). 

But even beyond all that is my pettiness in trying to be "perfect" and my avoidance of how messed up my life is. I don't think I've come to terms with the labels: single mom, broken home, divorced, failed marriage, ran off with a younger woman... etc, etc. It's not what I wanted and I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know what kind of dream world I've been living in to think that if I ignore it, it'll go away, though.

I'm realizing that part of my reinvention needs to be an embrace of who I am now. I'm a single mom. I'm single. I'm a separate being from my family. I don't know that I was good at looking at myself this way now or before. So, I'm trying to look at myself through new eyes and to accept the visage--- accept the truth.