I am experiencing a lot of illumination in my life.
Interesting how one conversation and another person's similar experiences and perspective can change everything. It's as if I was looking north all this time--- looking for the path through a disorienting fog--- and really all I needed was someone to grab me by the shoulders and point me south. For, all of a sudden with that shift, the clouds cleared and a shining beam of light not only illuminated my path forward but also the path behind me and all that confusion and creepiness was moved into the light-- in full view for me to examine.
And what I came to accept is that sometimes you cannot understand or make sense of things. Of people and their actions. You never will. Sometimes, you cannot fully comprehend them. Sometimes, they can't, either. And you know what, it's not your job to do so. And that's my lesson--- to let go. For if we don't learn the lessons that our lives present us with, we will make the same mistakes over and over, looking for the truth.
I added the zen proverb to my sidebar: "Let go or be dragged." I finally let go.