I suspect this week marks my entry into the official legal system of divorce.
I was moved a couple days ago by one of my Flickr friends who shared a photo of her wedding band's indentation on her finger. Her finger was starkly absent of that ring now but it still left a mark...
It was almost a year ago that I removed my wedding ring and told my husband that my ring would only be replaced when I felt I was in a real marriage again---- one that included love, truth, and respect.
And it was only a week ago that I found my wedding ring in my overnight bag where I had thrown it in haste that weekend a year ago after learning far too many hurtful things to continue wearing it.
Somehow, I had forgotten about that ring for a year. When it spilled out onto the counter, I picked it up and thought about what it represented and the memories it held for me-----memories of our small jewelry designer who was just beginning her now successful business and the time we spent with her discussing life in general and even politics! (Who was it then? The elder George Bush? If I remember right, we were discussing Clarence Thomas' confirmation hearings to the Supreme Court). Ah, all our lives seemed so full of promise then.
Well, it's been enough time that my wedding band's physical indentation has faded away but not so much the hurt, anger, and regret associated with the ring's intended relationship.
Wasn't there a movie called 'Defending Your Life'? Well, that's what I feel I am about to embark upon with my entry into the legal system. Reliving choices I made. Choices my husband & I made together. History and details so full of emotion and texture, yet somehow condensed into the justice system's narrow funnel of jurisprudence. How much is a stay-at-home Mom worth? Is she a productive member of society or is she really just a leech upon her husband in a social system bent on commercial gains? These are all words that have been thrown to the winds of anger and then caught up and pulled on like a sweater by those that want them to be true.
Is it all fair how my life has played out this past year? No, not likely, but it happens. Life happens. I tell my kids over and over life isn't always fair---it just isn't.
However, my life's next Chapter begins in a couple months.. along with a new name---- the one I was born with----- and hopefully one that brings me new possibilities... I'm ready for that.
