Berlin's Whimsy

In a state of Grace.

When I chose to name our daughter, Grace, I wasn't considering the implications of the word. Rather, it felt right and we cherished the name. 

Definition of Grace: A virtue coming from God.

Since then, our infant, Grace, grew into a beautiful child who in many ways impersonates the nature of the word.

Definition of Grace: Ease and Suppleness of movement or bearing.

She has, however, lamented on her name: "Why did you name me Grace? I'm not graceful at all!"

Definition of Grace: A charming or attractive trait or characteristic; a pleasing appearance or effect.

After naming my daughter, I began to recognize the importance and value I place on all the characteristics of Grace. How very much I want to live my own life in a state of Grace.

Definition of Grace: The quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful.

Graceful. Generous. Charming. Virtuous. All attributes I aspire to.

Definition of Grace: A sense of propriety or right.

And now, poised with more challenges and opportunities for personal growth and knowledge, I seek Grace in my life once again.

Definition of Grace: Disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency.

I seek Grace in the understanding that within the confines of virtuous generosity, I must also extend those traits to myself, as well.

I believe to live my life in a state of Grace is a hefty goal but one by which to aspire. Gracefully.

open.

This summer, we embraced fimo. Or at least one of has, and with glee.

As he carefully nestles little pieces of clay upon one another and transforms the odd blocks into something quite charming, both his sister and I realized yesterday, "You're really good at this!" He smiled and agreed.

It donned on me that this was another opportunity for him to settle into his own and find the peaks and valleys that make up his person. Don't we all do that? It's one of the beauties in life---- that for whatever age we may find ourselves in, we still have room for growth, as long as we're open to it.

It's good to find new talents. To define yourself through varying means and even to surprise yourself, for if you hold on too steadfastly to who you think you are throughout your life, you limit yourself.

I know.

I spent my childhood drawing. Every opportunity I got, I was drawing something and it became part of the framework of how others perceived me. How I perceived myself. On each birthday and holiday I received art supplies from family and friends. It was who I was to them. I gobbled up this identity, comfortable in the knowledge that I was a talented artist. Heck, I even won the school-wide poster contest in fourth grade! I knew I was good.

And then, amongst the many art classes I took in high school (the easy route for me), I took watercolors. And it changed my world.

For the first time ever, another student in my class was a better artist than I was. Not even better, she was a water coloring genius. I cringed as she continuously cranked out masterpiece after masterpiece to the oohs and awes of my teacher and fellow students. While I, on the other hand, was a water  coloring blunderer. Each and every canvas quickly diverged from my exquisite intentions-----carefully  drawn out so painstakingly in my familiar pencil--- to something like a big, gray foreboding sky with blotches running everywhere. I was so frustrated that I mentally gave up. I finished the class---barely----but I didn't learn from it. I left the class with a big hole in my artist's net that allowed my dreams and aspirations to fall through for quite some time. 

Now, upon retrospect, it was the way I perceived myself. Rather than learning from my experiences in watercolor and taking baby steps towards growth, I chose to adhere to what I knew, and that was my belief that I was an all-around talented artist.  Rather than being open to change, I wanted the world around me to come to me in my comfortable place of perceived self-identity.

Thankfully, life has a way of teaching us lessons and offering up new talents and new experiences. And it allows us to learn from our mistakes. I no longer adhere unwaveringly to who I believe I am. I try to be open to change and to the growth that it offers. But similarly, I welcome newfound talents with open arms.

While watching my son create his whimsical fimo creatures, I smile at his growth and his self awareness. I hope he is always open to new definitions of himself.

dreaming of fall.

The heat outside renders everything a faded golden wash and I am left with dreams of the coming fall as I watch it from afar----or near, in my sheltered home. Yet, I dream of making corn husk dolls, Halloween decorations, scrumptious apple creations. Of fall's pumpkins, and tall sunflowers bending under the weight of birds pulling at the seeds in their middles. Of children with backpacks on their way to school. The memories of my son, two-years old, holding leaves the size of his cherub face.

And those earth-toned leaves quaking in the air before releasing themselves into the sky to perform one last dance. Breathing deep the tell-tale air of fall; the briskness that ushers squirrels into hollows and geese into Vs. Fall, that announces the winter to come through its breezy winds. And the frost that spreads once again upon the grass, like last year's lace afghan. That's what I dream of while guiltily hiding away in my air-conditioned house. And I try to remind myself of my daily mantra: find the good in this moment. In the moment. Grattitude. Grace and acceptance. Even this sweltering heat offers up its lessons and its pleasures.

your energy. your life.

My health instructor said something the other day that has stuck with me. She reminded us that we all create so much energy. You see, physiologically, our bodies are processing and converting food into energy constantly. But where do we put that energy?

She offered this: "We all have so much energy to give to this world. What are you choosing to do with your energy? Is it spent wasted, or are you doing something with it? Think about what you have to give in this life... to yourself, to others, to this world..." I believe it's similar to the concept that we can all choose to do wonderful things---each one of us---simply, large or small, silently, or with fanfare. We have so much to give.

I continue to think about this concept. It's true, when I study the amount of energy our bodies produce (enough to keep us warm, enough to walk to the corner, enough to plant a garden, enough to have children, enough to conceptualize improving our life) it is truly amazing. And then I thought about where my energy goes. Thankfully, I don't expend most of it on useless activities. I feel fairly pleased with where my energy goes but I admit there is still a lot more to give. Hmmm, where will my energy go today?

all in its place

My daughter created this little map. Within, she illustrated a layout of her own personal village where those that are important to her live close-by. She enjoys doing this: creating lists of friends, understanding her heritage, asking about her ancestors. It all needs to be in its place. Perhaps it is a form of security in trying to understand her own little slice of this vast world. I can imagine with all the changes in her life over the last couple years, these little illustrations help to put it in some form of perspective.

Don't we all desire perspective, though? To understand where we've been and where we're going? I know I do. I thought about this and I thought about the way my daughter handled it, drawing her own little map. Perhaps she's onto something----illustrating our own personal dream village. A village encompassing all that you love and that loves you in return. What a wonderful vision!

And sometimes I think our chickens might even need a little of this perspective---- especially when they peer through our windows so longingly, waiting for us to come and tuck them in for another night in their little coop.

Maybe we all need to have a place for everything and everyone. All in its place.

seeking knowledge.

I seek knowledge today. In a classroom amongst other students. A different form of education than what I am used to. Though I doubt this class will satisfy my current hunger: a hunger for the knowledge of life and the whys and hows of it all. For example, why do people do the things they do and if they ever really know why. Or, if it's possible to truly understand another person, or even oneself. And why someone keeps dumping chickens at the end of my Mom's driveway... Oh, the quandaries of life. :-)

And in this pursuit of knowledge, I wish I understood it all. That I possessed the kind of wisdom that could answer my questions. Even just one.

And on the flip-side, I wish I didn't understand people as well as I do. That I couldn't see through the superficial games people play in an attempt to hide the substantive information underneath----the real stuff. The need for power. The need to hide feelings. To protect oneself. To take things out on others rather than recognizing our own issues and truly owning them. And I wish I wasn't so human in the fact that I sometimes play these games, too.

The human condition is so full of ambiguity. Sometimes I wish to be something else----- it seems animals are free to act upon their needs and show their true emotions. None of the usual human self-protective games and sidestepping the truth that is such a part of the human condition.

Nonetheless, I truly am of the human variety with all the flaws that come with it. So, I seek knowledge. And even though I may not learn the answers to what I seek in my classroom today, I will learn new experiences through interactions with more humans. 

Things.

Things I see: big, fat dandelion blossoms; avocados on sale; sun breaks; watching my kids watching the new chicks; the greening of my world. 

Things that make me smile: the old fishermen on my running route, just home from fishing and offering me their smiles; fragrances of flowers carried on the spring wind; baby goats on my daily commute, my daughter's hair all curled up.

Things I ponder: is self respect congruent to humility and altruism?  

Things I taste: fresh salads, asparagus, avocados, and this dressing... mmmm!

Creamy Avocado Dressing

1 large Haas avocado,

1/2 C. mayonnaise

1/2 C. sour cream

3 large cloves garlic, pressed through a garlic press

1 tsp. Original Spike Seasoning

2 tsp. fresh lemon juice

1 tsp. salt

A Sprinkle of Sweet Paprika

Method: Put all the ingredients in a food processor and give it a whirl! Taste for seasoning. Great as a dip, too!

I want you to know.

I feel that I haven't been quite fair. Many of you traveled along with me on my journey through the sadness of my divorce and the coming apart of my world---through my words, projects, photography. Identifying and then writing about the little bits of beauty in my life was my salvation and it taught me a lesson worth learning: there is always goodness in life but sometimes it must be founded not just found. 

And your words of encouragement gently ushered me along. It has been two years now. And, I am happy. I am content. I am loved. My life still feels new around me, like a winsome coat pulled on fresh from the rack but with all the potential of being worn for the next 20 years, or more---comfortable, secure, beautiful, and welcome. Have I shared that here? 

I want you to know.

Tempering life.

In the kitchen, I love my whisks. For me, they symbolize baking---the last whisking together of dry ingredients before adding to the whipped portion.

They are also used for one of my favorite cooking techniques: tempering.

In cooking, to temper is to add a bit of the hot ingredients to the cold to bring them both together into an amalgamation. A happy co-mingling of temperatures. When eggs are tempered correctly, the resultant mix is thick and glossy and ready for the next step. When not tempered correctly, they form a scrambled-egg-like mess. 

Tempering has always held a magical quality for me----like folding in egg whites, or emulsifying sauces. I feel like a professional when I temper ingredients. Alchemy, is that what it is?

 

But only recently did I realize that temperance is important even outside of the kitchen. Especially for me. 

For example, I try to temper my passions with a dollop of realism; my obsessions and compulsions with my dull chores; my selfish traits with an awareness and compassion for others; my generosity and flexibility with self preservation; my impulsiveness with contemplation; hurt with forgiveness.

I am not always successful, however, and sometimes hours of my life slip into one of these extremes and I wind up with a scrambled mess; sometimes beyond repair. I did not learn to cook from one source and I often learned through my mistakes, or my avoidance of them (another trait to temper). Sometimes my messes taste good enough to eat, but only through one slow swallow of contrition and humility at a time.

I find the word 'temper' interesting-----the disparity of meaning. English is such a confusing language. On one hand is temper: "to dilute, qualify;" there is temper: "a suitable proportion or balance of qualities;" or "to anneal or toughen by a process of gradually heating and cooling;" and probably the most well known of all the tempers: "heat of mind or emotion--- proneness to anger;" yet even that well-known definition is tempered with yet another: "calmness of mind---composure."

In life, it is beneficial to be flexible----dare I say of temperate mind? To splash a little self-awareness and compassion into the routine of day-to-day living?

It is also fortunate to know how to temper in the kitchen, for if you do, a whole world of luxurious tastes await you----sauces, custards, even homemade ice cream----as long as they're tempered with a healthy lifestyle! :-)

Do Monkeys Meditate?

In the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Monkey. It's fitting. Let me explain. In certain philosophies, humans are said to experience "Monkey Mind." A monkey mind is,

"A mind that jumps from thought to thought like a monkey jumps from tree to tree. The monkey mind is not content with existing in the present moment, but rather engages in the thoughts that pass through."

If ever there was a description of my own mind, it is this one. This tendency of mine is both the fortune and the bane of my existence-----it provides me with vast amounts of ideas and concepts but it also distracts me from completion, from being in the moment. However, I would not be who I am today---the creativity, the projects----without my monkey mind. Also, I would not suffer from anxiety and whimsy, too.

I wonder if everyone experiences similar aspects of themselves; traits that drive their existence in both positive and negative ways. Examples are brutal honesty, stalwart organization, or judiciousness...

And when I examine my own monkey mind, I discover something: my need for fluidity in my life. To allow my monkey thoughts to flow through my mind rather than seizing at each one, like a crow drawn to every new and shiny object. I recognize a need for balance and understanding. I realize I cannot jump from tree to tree, thought to thought, as I will never finish any one thing---will never finish one of those shiny new ideas. I do not want to completely abolish my monkey mind but rather understand that there is a time to swing in the branches of creativity and ideas, and a time to settle down in a crook of a tree and just be.