Berlin's Whimsy

patient kids

My kids are so patient with me. They put up with my chores, frenzied demands, deadlines, healthy foods, and yes, my worrying. Sure, they make messes, put off mowing, sleep until 12:30 when no one's home, bicker, and maintain a level of mess in their rooms that would make the cast of Hoarders cringe.

But, they bring so much humor and levity to my life. They talk me into forgoing the vacuuming to go out for a swim at the river below their Grandma's house. Something I didn't do at all last summer!

They talk me into bringing home DVDs of funny tv shows from the library and we sit down and LAUGH!

They introduce me to new music that I wouldn't have been aware of otherwise. (And thankfully, we all like! No rap, mercifully).

And even more so, they remind me that life moves forward and they have their own dreams and goals for the future and it fills my heart to see them becoming their own unique individuals--- people that I am proud to have in my life.

 

 

Great Expectations.

I've had a little time to think lately. About my life and what I want in it. It's good to take the time to do that sort of thinking now and then. I find that my best contemplating comes when I'm tucked away sewing and making something. Sometimes I listen to music or NPR, but sometimes I just enjoy the relative quiet.

While browsing sewing patterns recently, I realized that it's indicative of the way I look at life: with Great Expectations. I don't envision a failed project. No, I envision the dress or skirt fitting the intended wearer perfectly.

I thought about that concept----- do Great Expectations set me up for disappointment in sewing and in life? Well, they have. There are more than a couple handmade items that wound up tossed in the corner or even in the waste basket out of frustration. And in my life, I didn't envision becoming divorced, or going back to college at 40, or wrestling with blended households, and complications. Maybe we never envision these things.

But all in all, I believe in Great Expectations. It's good to set the bar high as long as one's able to deal with the possibility of disappointment and alterations from plans. It's good to set goals and to believe in one's dreams, even if they never come true.

And when I think about those projects I've tackled and my visions of grandeur, I enjoyed those daydreams. Even when the project did indeed turn out as expected, I enjoyed the dreaming and the anticipation more than the final project. It was the process.

There is a recommendation within the envelope on Colette patterns: "The best advice for sewing is to relax, take your time, and enjoy the process of creating something just for you." And maybe that's good advice for life, too. Enjoy your dreams. Enjoy your Great Expectations, whether they come true or not. Enjoy the process.

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The project photographed here is from the book, One-Yard Wonders. It's the Summer Nightie. It was a quick and fun project. I like the way it looks, as well. Close to what I envisioned! I used some vintage cotton and made my the bias tape from muslin. If I make more of these nighties (Voile would be nice!), I will change the inside seams and elastic casing to make it look more "finished." (I have a thing about the inside of garments looking as nice as the outside). Also, it fits me fine but the cup portion is a little on the slim side (FYI). All in all, I'm happy with the way it turned out.

Easter reflections.

Easter tiptoed into our lives this year. So much going on. At least I remembered to put out our Easter decorations (on Saturday). Many of these decorations sat in a box for three years. It is heartwarming to see them again, for many of them bring back memories of my children's younger years, as well as my own childhood.

I grew up with these little chicks and bunnies. My grandmother displayed them on a special table. I remember peering at these figurines longingly. Sometimes I touched them, but mostly I struggled to control the desire to hold and play with them---a big no no. One of the little bunnies still suffers from a fractured ear, haphazardly glued back on after my brother and I got too carried away.

So much has changed while these decorations were stored away. I'm happy to share the charm of them again. But my kids are growing up. Easter is one of those bittersweet holidays----a reminder of how old my kids have grown. There weren't any Easter egg hunts this year, for instance. In fact, they spent most of Easter with their Dad.

With the abundance of sugar and candy in all of our lives, I resolved to give my kids something more practical and healthy in their baskets. "Pants" made an excellent suggestion: how about giving them baskets full of fruits----- novelty fruits that we don't usually buy, such as coconuts. Cracking a coconut is always fun!

As for Easter egg dyeing, we enjoyed 'naturally' dyed eggs from our chickens. Those Araucana eggs are such a beautiful blue color.  

Easter would not be Easter for us without plenty of yummy food. I believe I found my favorite lemon bar recipe in The Grand Central Baking Book. I'm still enjoying this cookbook immensely. 

So, Easter is still Easter---good food, family, traditions---but it also reflects the years that have passed and the changes within those years. 

*** What to do with that fresh coconut? It is an excellent addition to smoothies. We might make this fresh coconut cake from Cooking Light. YUM!

I want you to know.

I feel that I haven't been quite fair. Many of you traveled along with me on my journey through the sadness of my divorce and the coming apart of my world---through my words, projects, photography. Identifying and then writing about the little bits of beauty in my life was my salvation and it taught me a lesson worth learning: there is always goodness in life but sometimes it must be founded not just found. 

And your words of encouragement gently ushered me along. It has been two years now. And, I am happy. I am content. I am loved. My life still feels new around me, like a winsome coat pulled on fresh from the rack but with all the potential of being worn for the next 20 years, or more---comfortable, secure, beautiful, and welcome. Have I shared that here? 

I want you to know.

Listening to Rain.

I occasionally woke up to rain falling; falling on a new house in a new situation. The sound of rain at night is soothing for me, even when it was a constant while living on the Oregon Coast. Devices are made to create "white noise"----replicating the nighttime sounds of rain---- but the real thing is so much better.

I spent most of last year determining what was real and what wasn't real in my life. Much of what I thought was real (marriage, fidelity, truth) wasn't. But in between the cracks of the obvious were more subtle bits of reality----that life offers up opportunity if we're open to it and willing to learn from, and then let go of, the past.  

And so, eventually, I was open to a new relationship when I met someone kind and willing to be patient with me and what I have gone through----my kids, too. Someone real. I now live with him in a wonderful house with lots of potential for family memories and love. As with any change, there are trials and transitional phases and they are expected--- the real work. But in the end, I believe we will all find our places and each of our lives will be fuller from this opportunity.  

Until then, I'll listen to the rain and its fleeting presence in this part of the world---a reminder of nature's ability to sooth.    

From 2008

As an addendum to yesterday's post about all those loose ends to contend with from my divorce, I must say I'd rather unravel a knot of complication than to be stuck in a situation that inhibits my growth and happiness. That is to say, I am so much happier with my life now. There really is happiness after divorce.

As this year draws closer to the next, I find that I have so much to be thankful for: a relationship that fills me with joy, love, and possibility; my children's recaptured happiness through new people in their lives, an excellent school, and probably witnessing their parents happy again; my education. My life feels full of possibility and it's just another reminder of embracing change and all of its potential for we must often pass through difficult times to really appreciate the good. 

Still tangled in loose ends.

That's my old wedding ring----the one I wore for over 17 years. And though my ring finger has remained empty for a year and a half now, my divorce is only now finally official in the courts of law. Yep, I'm officially divorced.

The notification came via cell phone one day last week when I topped a local hiking trail in the clear bright sun. Even in all of its potential glory, the news was a bit anticlimactic given all of the milestones I passed this year. Even so, it's official. It's over.

But not forgotten. No, I have many, many loose ends and complications to contend with. Even still. For you knitters out there, envision nearing the end of a very large knitted project with your very last ball of yarn---yarn that is a sold-out dye lot----only to find that the yarn is entangled in not only the vacuum cleaner but the garbage disposal, too. Yards and yards and yards of it. I'm now faced with either cutting my losses or ever so patiently, untangling the mess. Just another step in the incipient repercussions of divorce...

Library talk.

I am back in the school system subbing here and there. Yesterday, I played librarian again and my love of this specific position was sealed. As I navigate my way through the education field, I'll keep an eye out for media positions in particular. 

My day was filled with reading stories to elementary-aged students, helping them choose a "just right" book, and the usual teacherly duties: lots of reminding about "library voices, please;" "6-inch voices (where did they come up with that one?);" and "walking feet." (Every year there are new student management phrases). 

But it's what the students say to me that fills my head after a day working with them. Seldom do I pass a day with students without something that sparks either emotion, thought, or both.

Yesterday, I noticed a little boy who couldn't seem to find a book he wanted to check out from the library. Each one he previewed wasn't quite right. After a bit, I realized what he really desired was my attention. I noticed that he was quite serious----obviously something was on his mind. I thought perhaps he was having a bad day.

At the very end of his class's library time, I finally located a book he wanted. Unfortunately, when I tried processing his book for him, we found that he had an overdue book on his account (students cannot check out books if they have an overdue book). He was immediately sad and looked to be on the verge of tears. I  began reassuring him and he looked at me very seriously and told me: "My parents are getting..... what's the word?... di--versed (his pronunciation) and the book is at my Dad's house and I don't know when I'll go there again..."

Well, you can only imagine how sad this made me feel for a number of reasons. I felt so sorry for this little boy. I thought about the little details that get lost between two households---little details that are huge for children. I wondered how many times my own children have told their teachers this same kind of story (I know of at least one time, with tears involved).

Later that day, I wondered if part of the reason for my experiencing a bit of this little boy's life was to remind me to pay closer attention to the details with my own kids. To understand how difficult it is for my kids to shuffle back and forth between parents and to find methods to make it easier and more stable for them.

After that little boy told me his story about his parents, I gently reassured him that the regular librarian would probably wave his overdue book because of his situation. We set aside his book in the "hold" pile for the next day.

My hope is that he got his book today...

About my kids.

My kids are growing up. Well, that's obvious, isn't it? Any parent can vouch for the expedited growth of their children. It all goes by too fast.

But sometimes, just one sentence, one conversation, or one afternoon can remind a Mom of how much her children have grown----such as a very adult conversation about a new Presidency... Or thoughtful insights about the environment. Ah, where did the time go? How could it be that a baby turns into a young adult so quickly?

More so than ever before, I feel the need to mindfully capture each moment I have with my children----- savoring their last bits of childhood before they grow past it.  

Though I look forward to watching my children develop into young adults and to meeting the other young adults in their future lives, it's all with a heavy smattering of trepidation. I doubt many children transition through adolescence without feeling, and inadvertently causing, a whole lot of hurt between parent and child. My own memories of adolescence are heavily pock-marked with the pain and anguish I caused my parents.

And I wonder where my children and I would be today without their parents' divorce----without all the changes we've went through as a family. Would my trepidation be the same? Is the doubt and hesitation about adolescence universal? Am I scarring them this very day? These are all questions I ponder...

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Thank you all for your wonderful and sweet comments from my previous post. I read each and every one of them and they all made me smile a big smile! Again, thank you for reaching out...

Each new Friend.

 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."  ~Anais Nin

You have probably spotted this quote more than once in my sidebar as it is one of my favorites. My friends are very important to me. My friends expand my own being and my very outlook on life. My friends add love and light to my journey through my life and they challenge my own thoughts and opinions. I cherish my relationships----they fortify me. 

Here, on these pages, I have not shared a new friend in my life. Our lives. The tenuous state of legal matters necessitated my hesitance but perhaps you noticed the shift in my words all the same.

I'm a hopeless romantic----not in the sense of roses and diamonds but rather in the magic of life's will. I feel that we make our choices in our lives so often based on logic and circumstance but nonetheless our lives follow a path set before us, a path full of learning about ourselves and others even if it doesn't always make sense.  

I have started and stopped this post too many times to count------what to say, what not to say----and truly, I still write these words with the insecurity of a neophyte to life's will.  

So here it is, I met someone. I like him. I love him. He is sweet, kind, and caring----he treats me the way I should be treated and I treat him the same way. We have peaceful picnics together in beautiful locations. We talk about art and creativity, words and life. We share common values and interests. He is a giver just like me. And most importantly, we are happy together...